Dominance and submission fantasies are among the most common themes in adult sexual imagination, and they are not a sign of illness. In a Belgian general-population sample, 46.8% of adults had performed at least one BDSM-related activity, while an additional 22% reported fantasies about it. In a survey of 1,516 adults, submission and domination themes were common for both women and men, and they were related to each other. The clinically relevant question is the fantasy’s effect, not its content.
Many people in Tehran, Toronto, or Los Angeles keep such a fantasy secret for years and wonder whether they are "normal".
How Common Are Dominance and Submission Fantasies?
In a representative Belgian general-population sample of 1,027 adults described by Holvoet et al. in the Journal of Sexual Medicine (2017), 12.5% of adults had performed at least one BDSM-related activity regularly, 26% saw themselves as interested in BDSM, and 7.6% self-identified as BDSM practitioners. Interests in dominant and submissive activities were comparable and highly intercorrelated, meaning that the two directions of fantasy often appear together rather than as opposing identities.
Dominance and submission interests are comparable and highly intercorrelated; they often appear together in the general population (Holvoet et al., J Sex Med, 2017).
Joyal and colleagues used an internet survey to ask 1,516 adults—799 women and 717 men—about 55 sexual fantasies. Only two fantasies were statistically rare for women or men. Submission and domination themes were common for both sexes and related to each other. The authors argued that the focus should be on a fantasy’s effect rather than its content. The Belgian sample had a possible participation bias, and the fantasy survey was conducted online. These findings place such themes within the ordinary range of adult sexual variation.
Submission fantasies live in many adults’ minds, even when they are never spoken — Photo: DRT.fm / Pexels
Does an "Unusual" Fantasy Mean a Mental Disorder?
Joyal and Carpentier surveyed 1,040 adults from Quebec’s general population. Nearly half reported interest in at least one paraphilic category, and about one third had tried at least one such interest at least once. Masochism interest was not significantly different between men and women, and it was linked with higher satisfaction with one’s sexual life. Online respondents acknowledged more than telephone respondents, which suggests that shame lowers the numbers people are willing to report.
Researchers therefore suggest judging a fantasy by its effect rather than by its content. In current diagnostic logic, an interest alone is not a disorder. The markers that matter are significant distress or harm. The absence of consent is another boundary. A fantasy kept in mind, or enacted with full consent, is clinically different from one that pressures a partner.
Why Do Submission Fantasies Come With Shame for Some People?
Canivet and colleagues studied 1,414 Canadian adults and identified three profiles: Fantasy-Lite, Submission-linked Shame, and Perpetration-linked Shame. The Submission-linked Shame profile included many submissive fantasies together with high shame. Women appeared more often in this profile. Adult sexual assault survivors were also more likely to fall into it. Compared with the Fantasy-Lite group, the shame profiles had higher psychological distress and erotophobia. The study does not establish cause. Clinically, the suffering often comes from the shame sitting on the fantasy, not from the fantasy itself.
In adults whose submission fantasies came with high shame, psychological distress was higher than in a low-shame group (Canivet et al., J Sex Res, 2026).
In an online sample of 1,353 Iranian adult volunteers, Shekarchi and Nimbi found that men reported more explicit and dominant active-role fantasies, while women reported more romantic content and passive-role fantasies. No gender differences appeared in bondage, dominance, sadism, and masochism fantasies. Fantasy correlated with desire: 0.46 in men and 0.37 in women. Because the sample was made up of online volunteers, those numbers are not generalizable [needs further review: no data yet on Iranians living abroad]. For many Iranians raised with strong modesty norms, the gap between what is imagined and what is sayable is often wider.
What Does Psychoanalysis Say, and When Should You Talk About It?
Freud’s 1919 paper A Child Is Being Beaten describes beating fantasies that patients reported with great shame. Those fantasies are built in several stages and tied to a sense of guilt. In a psychoanalytic reading, such a fantasy is a scene staged in the mind rather than a wish for the literal event. From a psychoanalytic view, a submission fantasy can serve several functions. It may allow a person to let go of constant control and to enjoy pleasure without responsibility. It can also soften guilt. The fantasy carries meaning, but it does not pass a verdict.
Kimberley and colleagues surveyed 287 participants. Of those, 69.3% had disclosed a sexual fantasy. Actual partner responses were often positive, while people who concealed a fantasy often anticipated negative responses. Clinicians often observe that the fear of judgment is larger than the judgment itself. Help is needed when the fantasy comes with paralysing shame or anxiety. Help is also needed when it turns into pressure or coercion on a partner, or when it is tied to memories of assault.
Is it normal to have dominance or submission fantasies?
Yes. In a representative sample of 1,027 Belgian adults, 46.8% had performed at least one BDSM-related activity and a further 22% reported fantasies about it. In Joyal’s survey of 1,516 adults, submission and domination themes were common in both women and men.
Does a submission fantasy mean I want to be submissive in real life?
Not necessarily. The Belgian study found a wide gap between fantasy, experience and identity: 26% saw themselves as interested in BDSM, yet only 7.6% self-identified as practitioners. Psychoanalysis likewise treats a fantasy as a scene staged in the mind, not a plan for action.
Why do I feel ashamed of my fantasy?
Shame usually comes from upbringing and fear of judgment rather than from the fantasy itself. In Canivet’s 2026 study of 1,414 adults, higher psychological distress appeared in people whose submissive fantasies came with high shame. If shame is heavy or linked to memories of assault, talking with a specialist helps.
Should I tell my partner about my fantasy?
It is a personal decision, but the data are encouraging. In Kimberley’s 2025 study, 69.3% of 287 participants had shared a fantasy and actual partner responses were often positive, while those who concealed a fantasy tended to expect negative reactions. Choose a calm moment, without pressure or an expectation to act it out.
Conclusion
Having such a fantasy places a person among a large group of adults, not outside it. Without shame, it can become honest conversation, intimacy, and self-knowledge.
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Holvoet L, Huys W, Coppens V, et al. Fifty Shades of Belgian Gray: The Prevalence of BDSM-Related Fantasies and Activities in the General Population. J Sex Med. 2017;14(9):1152-1159. PMID: 28781214
Joyal CC, Cossette A, Lapierre V. What exactly is an unusual sexual fantasy? J Sex Med. 2015;12(2):328-340. PMID: 25359122
Joyal CC, Carpentier J. The Prevalence of Paraphilic Interests and Behaviors in the General Population: A Provincial Survey. J Sex Res. 2017;54(2):161-171. PMID: 26941021
Shekarchi R, Nimbi FM. Exploring sexual desire and fantasies: a cross-sectional online study on gender differences on Iranian adults. Sex Health. 2025;22. PMID: 40096038
Canivet C, Lafortune D, Bolduc R, et al. Sexual Fantasies, Sexual Trauma and the Weight of Shame: A Latent Profile Analysis. J Sex Res. 2026;63(3):431-442. PMID: 40853235
Kimberley ML, Jones SA, Elliott JM. A Content Analysis of Reasons for Disclosing Sexual Fantasies and Partner Responses. J Sex Res. 2025;62(3):421-432. PMID: 38315824
Freud S. (1919). ‘A Child Is Being Beaten’: A Contribution to the Study of the Origin of Sexual Perversions. Standard Edition, Vol. 17.
Image Credits
Featured image: woman in a black lace mask holding a red apple — Photo: Eric Moura / Pexels
Image 1: woman in handcuffs lying on a bed — Photo: DRT.fm / Pexels
