Choking during sex — squeezing a partner’s neck at the moment of sexual arousal — has moved in recent years from the margins of kink to the beds of many young people. Among 4,168 randomly sampled American undergraduates, 26.5 percent of women said they had been choked during their most recent sexual encounter. The desire comes from a deep place in the psyche, the wish for submission, intensity and trust; but pressure on the neck has no risk-free version, and the same need can be met safely.
In the Indiana University probability survey of 4,168 undergraduate students, 26.5 percent of women and 6.6 percent of men said they had been choked during their most recent sexual encounter, and 24.8 percent of men said they had choked a partner. A follow-up survey by the same group found that 45 percent of women and 25 percent of men had had this experience at least once in their lifetime. In Australia, among 4,702 young people aged 18 to 35, 57 percent said they had been choked at least once during sex — 61 percent of women and 43 percent of men — and 51 percent said they had choked a partner.
These cross-sectional surveys of young Western adults show prevalence, not cause; for Iranian families in Toronto, Vancouver or Los Angeles, they mean the behavior is no longer rare. Australian researchers describe it as a “normalized” practice among the young.
The neck is where the arteries that supply the brain pass; pressure on it, even in sexual play, is not a game. — Photo: Valeria Boltneva / Pexels
Why Has Choking During Sex Become Arousing?
One of the strongest known pathways is pornography. In a university study of heterosexual women, the more pornography women watched, the more choking scenes they saw, and this exposure was linked to being choked by men. The connection ran through the eroticization of choking, not through a reduced ability to say “no”; many women actively wanted the experience.
A similar study of men found that greater pornography consumption leads to choking a partner through three beliefs: that choking is pleasurable, that it is safe, and that it does not necessarily require the partner’s consent. In Australia, a positive view of the behavior was predicted above all by the belief that “it can be done safely” and by peer norms. Part of this desire, then, is learned and cultural.
Is “Mild Choking” Actually Safe?
Young Australians tied safety to three things: controlling pressure, consent, and trust in the partner. The researchers concluded that many young people are unaware of the real dangers and equate consent and low pressure with safety, even though the outcome can be fatal. Consent resolves the ethical problem, but it does not change the physiology of the neck.
Preliminary brain evidence is also concerning. In a pilot functional brain imaging study, 20 women who had been choked at least four times during sex in the previous 30 days were compared with 21 women without that experience, and the first group showed an imbalance of activity between the two brain hemispheres. This was a small case-control study and does not prove causation; the authors themselves call for longitudinal research [needs further investigation: long-term cognitive outcome]. Another survey of 4,989 students showed that women who had been choked more than five times had odds of using a condom at their last sexual encounter about one-third those of the group without that experience. Choking and consensual non-consent role-play have also been associated with alcohol use and a history of violence in the relationship.
What Insight Does Freud Offer About Pleasure in Submission and Danger?
Freud, in Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality (1905; SE 7: 123–245), saw sadism and masochism as part of the normal organization of sexual desire, not as something foreign to it. He showed that both poles — dominance and submission — usually exist side by side in the same person. This explains why choking appeals to both partners: each is playing with power and the release from control.
In The Economic Problem of Masochism (1924; SE 19: 155–170), Freud went a step deeper. He described erotic masochism as the product of the fusion of the death drive with libido, a point at which even tension and pain can become sexual arousal. Pressure on the neck is the closest bodily scene to this fusion: orgasm at the threshold of breath. Freud’s clinical message is that this desire should not be shamed; it should be understood. When we understand that what a person is ultimately seeking is release, absolute trust, and intensity, we can detach that need from the neck and place it in safer forms.
How Can We Satisfy the Same Need Without Pressure on the Neck?
First, talk before sex: “What exactly do you like about this?” The answer is usually the feeling of submission, the partner’s dominance, or the intensity of orgasm, not oxygen deprivation. Second, use alternatives that offer the same excitement: holding the wrists, a blindfold, verbal commands, or placing a hand on the chest and collarbone instead of the throat. Third, make a clear “no neck” rule between partners, just like any other kink boundary. Fourth, if someone has a headache, dizziness, voice changes, or a brief loss of consciousness after being choked, they should see a physician.
Is wanting to be choked during sex a sign of mental illness?
Not necessarily. Freud viewed submission and dominance as part of the normal organization of sexual desire. The fantasy or desire itself is not a sign of illness; what raises concern is the bodily danger of pressure on the neck and its association with alcohol or violence in the relationship.
If my partner consents, does choking become safe?
No. Consent resolves the ethical problem but does not remove the bodily risk. Australian research showed that young people tend to equate consent and low pressure with safety, even though the outcome can be fatal. Pressure on the neck has no completely safe level.
Why are women choked more often than men?
In mixed-gender encounters, both American and Australian surveys show that women are far more often the ones being choked, while men are more often the ones doing the choking. Researchers link this pattern to porn scenes in which a man usually chokes a woman.
What alternative gives the same feeling of submission?
Holding the wrists, a blindfold, verbal commands, and light hand pressure on the chest or shoulder instead of the throat. Most people want release, trust and an intense orgasm, not breath loss.
Conclusion: Understand the Desire, Keep the Neck Safe
Choking during sex has become common among young people, and part of that rise comes from pornography and peer norms. Freud teaches us not to shame or suppress the desire for submission and intensity, but to understand it. A couple who talks honestly about this desire usually finds a way to experience the same excitement, the same trust, and the same intense orgasm without pressure on the neck; that conversation itself deepens the relationship.
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Freud S. (1905). Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality. In: Strachey J, ed. The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Vol. 7. London: Hogarth Press: 123-245.
Freud S. (1924). The Economic Problem of Masochism. In: Strachey J, ed. The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Vol. 19. London: Hogarth Press: 155-170.
Image Credits
Featured image — Photo: cottonbro studio / Pexels. In-text image — Photo: Valeria Boltneva / Pexels.
