Spanking, having your wrists tied with rope or silk, and handing control to a partner are among the most common BDSM fantasies. The short answer from research: in a sample representative of the Belgian general population, almost half of adults had tried at least one BDSM-related activity, and people who practise sexual masochism and submission give three main reasons for it: an exchange of power between two people, physical pain experienced inside sexual arousal, and an altered state of mind. A century ago Freud mapped the same territory in his paper on the beating fantasy, “A Child Is Being Beaten”, and in his account of erotogenic masochism. This article explains why surrendering control is arousing for so many adults.
How Common Are Spanking, Bondage and Submission Fantasies?
The first question many clients ask is: “Am I the only one who fantasises about this?” Holvoet and colleagues (2017) answered it with a survey of 1,027 people representative of the Belgian general population. 46.8% had performed at least one BDSM-related activity, and a further 22% reported having had fantasies about it. 12.5% performed at least one such activity on a regular basis, 26% described themselves as interested in BDSM, and 7.6% self-identified as BDSM practitioners.
Two further findings matter for understanding submission. First, interest in dominant and submissive activities was comparable, and the two were highly intercorrelated: many people aroused by surrender also enjoy taking control. Second, 61.4% of those with a BDSM interest became aware of it before the age of 25. The authors concluded that this level of interest argues strongly against stigmatising or pathologising these desires.
Rope on skin often symbolises handing control to a trusted partner — Photo: Alexander Krivitskiy / Pexels
What Do People Who Practise Sexual Masochism and Submission Say Draws Them to It?
Labrecque and colleagues (2020), writing in the Journal of Sex Research, analysed the narratives of 227 practitioners of sexual masochism or submission. Their question was simple: what is so appealing about being spanked, flogged, dominated or restrained? Qualitative content analysis produced 16 themes: eight about the origins of the interest and eight about the reasons for engaging in it.
The reasons clustered around three types of activity. The first is the use of interpersonal power: giving decisions over to a partner and being released from the weight of everyday responsibility. The second is physical pain, which inside consensual sexual arousal takes on a meaning very different from ordinary pain. The third is altering one’s state of mind. According to the authors, these interests are often present early in life and are usually pursued to reach an altered state of mind associated with sexual arousal.
Can Sexual Submission Coexist with Sexual Health and Satisfaction?
Hughes and Hammack (2020) examined how 260 users of a kink-oriented social networking site, living in 21 countries, explained the origins of their desires. 72.7% of responses located the origin in personality, personal taste and role exploration, and fewer than 19% of participants mentioned any kind of trauma. Botta and colleagues (2019), studying 266 Italian consensual BDSM participants, found a very low self-declared degree of distress about their BDSM fantasies and behaviours. Both studies relied on self-selected samples from kink communities, so they do not represent the whole population.
The condition these studies emphasise is clear: informed consent, negotiation before a scene, a safeword, and aftercare once it ends. Built on these foundations, spanking and bondage are part of the ordinary diversity of adult sexual desire.
What Did Freud Discover About the Beating Fantasy and Sexual Masochism?
In Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality (1905; SE 7), Freud showed that sadism and masochism are the active and passive forms of one and the same component instinct, rooted in universal human sexuality; the person who enjoys surrender is rarely a stranger to the pleasure of control. We see this insight today in the high correlation between dominant and submissive interests in the Holvoet data.
In his brilliant paper “A Child Is Being Beaten” (1919; SE 17: 175–204), Freud dissected, phase by phase, the beating fantasy he had found remarkably often among his patients. He showed that this fantasy is a meeting point of love, guilt and sexual pleasure: the beating scene both appeases guilt and gives erotic form to the wish to be loved. In “The Economic Problem of Masochism” (1924; SE 19: 155–170), Freud identified erotogenic masochism as the foundation of the other forms of masochism and explained how libido can place pain in the service of pleasure.
This framework illuminates precisely the three reasons Labrecque heard from practitioners themselves. Power exchange stages the old bond between affection and authority. Pain inside arousal is the mechanism Freud described in erotogenic masochism. And the altered state is the moment when guilt steps aside and the person can yield to pleasure without defence. Understanding this meaning helps couples stop hiding a fantasy in shame and instead recognise it and bring it consciously into their relationship.
Is a spanking or bondage fantasy a sign of mental illness?
No. In a representative Belgian sample almost half of adults had tried at least one BDSM-related activity, and the researchers saw that prevalence as an argument against pathologising these interests. The marker of health is mutual consent and the absence of distress, not the content of the fantasy.
Why would someone who is decisive at work want to submit in bed?
One reason practitioners gave in Labrecque’s study was relief from responsibility through handing power to a partner. From a psychoanalytic perspective, the scene of surrender offers a safe place to set control aside and experience pleasure without guilt.
How do I raise a submission fantasy with my partner?
Choose a calm moment outside the bedroom, speak about your desire rather than what the relationship lacks, start with the smallest step, and agree on limits and a safeword before any scene. If the conversation becomes tense, a joint session with a sex therapist helps.
What does safe spanking mean?
Clear, revocable consent; impact only on well-padded areas such as the buttocks, never the kidneys or spine; gradual increases in intensity; constant attention to your partner’s responses; a safeword; and emotional and physical aftercare once the scene ends.
Conclusion: Submission as a Language of Trust and Pleasure
The desire for spanking, bondage and sexual submission is common, usually begins in early adulthood, and, in practitioners’ own words, is fed by power exchange, pain experienced inside arousal, and an altered state of mind. Freud’s discovery of the beating fantasy and erotogenic masochism gave us the key to understanding it. The good news is that couples who make room for this desire with consent, conversation and care can turn it into a source of intimacy and shared pleasure.
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Holvoet L, Huys W, Coppens V, Seeuws J, Goethals K, Morrens M. Fifty Shades of Belgian Gray: The Prevalence of BDSM-Related Fantasies and Activities in the General Population. J Sex Med. 2017;14(9):1152-1159. PMID: 28781214. DOI: 10.1016/j.jsxm.2017.07.003
Labrecque F, Potz A, Larouche É, Joyal CC. What Is So Appealing About Being Spanked, Flogged, Dominated, or Restrained? Answers from Practitioners of Sexual Masochism/Submission. J Sex Res. 2021;58(4):409-423. PMID: 32486920. DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2020.1767025
Hughes SD, Hammack PL. Narratives of the Origins of Kinky Sexual Desire Held by Users of a Kink-Oriented Social Networking Website. J Sex Res. 2022;59(3):360-371. PMID: 33179986. DOI: 10.1080/00224499.2020.1840495
Botta D, Nimbi FM, Tripodi F, Silvaggi M, Simonelli C. Are Role and Gender Related to Sexual Function and Satisfaction in Men and Women Practicing BDSM? J Sex Med. 2019;16(3):463-473. PMID: 30773495. DOI: 10.1016/j.jsxm.2019.01.001
Freud S. (1905). Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality. In: Strachey J, ed. The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Vol. 7. London: Hogarth Press.
Freud S. (1919). ‘A Child Is Being Beaten’: A Contribution to the Study of the Origin of Sexual Perversions. In: Strachey J, ed. The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Vol. 17. London: Hogarth Press: 175-204.
Freud S. (1924). The Economic Problem of Masochism. In: Strachey J, ed. The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Vol. 19. London: Hogarth Press: 155-170.
Image Credits
Featured image — Photo: Kamaji Ogino / Pexels. In-text image — Photo: Alexander Krivitskiy / Pexels.
